Meus Amor Aeternus

May I hold you close? So as to pass my warmth to you as the Sun passes it to the Earth?

May I dig the ground from beneath your feet? So as to plant you as my rose bush? So that you may blossom every spring and be evergreen through our winters?

May I sip your kiss as I sip my whiskey? Slowly and deliberately. Letting it sting and fill me with the the drunkenness of our love.

Could your eyes be the oceans I swim in?

Your body the plains and valleys that I spend a lifetime venturing through?

May I use your heart as my time keeper when my watch stops ticking?

Would you be my Life as it flashes before me at the close?

My Eternal Love

Some Old Guy

Some old guy told me, “Suffering is okay.”

I watched him drink a bottle of Canadian Whiskey as tears passed from his eyes to my own.

I know what he meant now.

Manhood is more than strength. It is knowing, changing, apologizing and it is loving.

Loving so deeply that you feel an ache in your heart, your mouth goes dry and your body trembles when you know it is time to say good-bye.

It is not all pain. To be a man is not to be a shell of being.

You can not pretend forever. Pretend that tears have not flowed from your own iris and rolled upon your cheek.

You can not say that the salty rain your soul has provided never stained the landscape of your face. Leaving it traced with the signs of all the things you never spoke of.

Eventually the dam will spring a leak.

And that is okay.

Free Will

You breath, you see, you think, you know, you speak, you scream, you cry, you sleep.

And yet you feel less than.

You are alive and still call yourself dead.

You have chance and decide that failure is your fate.

You see children and plants mature and blossom. You still decide that you cannot grow.

You have the light and warmth of the sun. You still decide to find the shade of rain clouds to be wet and cold with

If from within you have chosen pessimism then you will live it.

But should you choose hope and glory, even if failing at your trials, your choice will always be worth the effort.

Free will.

Reality Hits and a Car Crash

We‌ ‌have‌ ‌all‌ ‌heard‌ ‌the‌ ‌old‌ ‌saying‌ ‌about‌ ‌doing‌ ‌what‌ ‌you‌ ‌love‌ ‌and‌ ‌never‌ ‌working‌ ‌a‌ ‌day‌ ‌in‌ ‌your‌ ‌life.‌ ‌I‌ ‌find‌ ‌that‌ ‌we‌ ‌rarely‌ ‌ever‌ ‌live‌ ‌that.‌ ‌Not‌ ‌because‌ ‌we‌ ‌do‌ ‌not‌ ‌love‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌do‌ ‌or‌ ‌because‌ ‌we‌ ‌aren’t‌ ‌doing‌ ‌what‌ ‌we‌ ‌love.‌ ‌ ‌Hell,‌ ‌I‌ ‌just‌ ‌enjoy‌ ‌reading‌ ‌books,‌ ‌writing‌ ‌poetry‌ ‌and‌ ‌writing‌ ‌short‌ ‌reflections.‌ ‌ ‌I‌ ‌know‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌fact‌ ‌it‌ ‌would‌ ‌be‌ ‌rather‌ ‌impossible‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌a‌ ‌living‌ ‌off‌ ‌something‌ ‌like‌ ‌that.‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌sure‌ ‌someone‌ ‌out‌ ‌there‌ ‌would‌ ‌be‌ ‌more‌ ‌than‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌argue‌ ‌this‌ ‌statement,‌ ‌seeing‌ ‌as‌ ‌I‌ ‌don’t‌ ‌actually‌ ‌know‌ ‌if‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌a‌ ‌fact.‌

‌Anyways,‌ ‌enough‌ ‌of‌ ‌that,‌ ‌let’s‌ ‌move‌ ‌on‌ ‌to‌ ‌what‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌really‌ ‌here‌ ‌to‌ ‌talk‌ ‌about.‌ ‌ ‌My‌ ‌generation,‌ ‌technically‌ ‌the‌ ‌millennial‌ ‌and‌ ‌Gen‌ ‌Z‌ ‌aged‌ ‌people‌ ‌seem‌ ‌to‌ ‌spend‌ ‌a‌ ‌lot‌ ‌of‌ ‌time‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌Doomer‌ ‌mindset‌ ‌of‌ ‌things.‌ ‌They‌ ‌expect‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌let‌ ‌down‌ ‌and‌ ‌for‌ ‌some‌ ‌reason‌ ‌the‌ ‌media‌ ‌and‌ ‌society‌ ‌has‌ ‌convinced‌ ‌them‌ ‌that‌ ‌someone‌ ‌really‌ ‌far‌ ‌away‌ ‌cares,‌ ‌or‌ ‌that‌ ‌others‌ ‌are‌ ‌meant‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌their‌ ‌life‌ ‌better‌ ‌or‌ ‌that‌ ‌some‌ ‌celebrity‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌difference‌ ‌maker‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌small‌ ‌bubble‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ ‌world.‌ ‌I‌ ‌know‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌a‌ ‌fact‌ ‌for‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌world‌ ‌but‌ ‌for‌ ‌the‌ ‌majority‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌people‌ ‌I‌ ‌interact‌ ‌with‌ ‌it‌ ‌seems‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌the‌ ‌reality‌ ‌in‌ ‌their‌ ‌little‌ ‌bubble.‌ ‌They‌ ‌never‌ ‌think‌ ‌for‌ ‌one‌ ‌second‌ ‌about‌ ‌anything‌ ‌but‌ ‌the‌ ‌external.‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌sure‌ ‌it‌ ‌has‌ ‌something‌ ‌to‌ ‌do‌ ‌with‌ ‌the‌ ‌amount‌ ‌of‌ ‌screen‌ ‌time‌ ‌they‌ ‌have,‌ ‌the‌ ‌media,‌ ‌the‌ ‌drop‌ ‌in‌ ‌book‌ ‌reading,‌ ‌social‌ ‌media‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌plethora‌ ‌of‌ ‌other‌ ‌unaccounted‌ ‌things.‌ ‌ ‌At‌ ‌least‌ ‌that‌ ‌was‌ ‌the‌ ‌way‌ ‌I‌ ‌was‌ ‌looking‌ ‌at‌ ‌it‌ ‌for‌ ‌a‌ ‌long‌ ‌time.‌ ‌It‌ ‌was‌ ‌everything‌ ‌else’s‌ ‌fault‌ ‌that‌ ‌this‌ ‌was‌ ‌happening‌ ‌to‌ ‌everyone.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌the‌ ‌phone’s‌ ‌or‌ ‌the‌ ‌social‌ ‌media‌ ‌accounts‌ ‌or‌ ‌the‌ ‌lack‌ ‌of‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌and‌ ‌response‌ ‌from‌ ‌politicians‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌creating‌ ‌this‌ ‌strange‌ ‌world‌ ‌where‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌is‌ ‌defined‌ ‌by‌ ‌who‌ ‌they‌ ‌vote‌ ‌for,‌ ‌what‌ ‌they‌ ‌share‌ ‌and‌ ‌what‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌willing‌ ‌to‌ ‌argue‌ ‌about.‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

Well,‌ ‌two‌ ‌weeks‌ ‌of‌ ‌isolation‌ ‌in‌ ‌a‌ ‌room‌ ‌has‌ ‌a‌ ‌way‌ ‌of‌ ‌changing‌ ‌that‌ ‌perspective‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌do‌ ‌certain‌ ‌things‌ ‌right.‌ ‌I‌ ‌spent‌ ‌these‌ ‌two‌ ‌weeks‌ ‌focused‌ ‌on‌ ‌me‌ ‌and‌ ‌my‌ ‌family,‌ ‌who‌ ‌is‌ ‌back‌ ‌home‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌moment.‌ ‌I‌ ‌spent‌ ‌it‌ ‌reading‌ ‌more,‌ ‌writing‌ ‌more‌ ‌and‌ ‌listening‌ ‌to‌ ‌more‌ ‌organic‌ ‌music‌ ‌than‌ ‌I‌ ‌usually‌ ‌would.‌ ‌I‌ ‌walked‌ ‌away‌ ‌from‌ ‌politics‌ ‌and‌ ‌political‌ ‌news.‌ ‌I‌ ‌wanted‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌just‌ ‌how‌ ‌impactful‌ ‌these‌ ‌were‌ ‌in‌ ‌my‌ ‌daily‌ ‌practice.‌ ‌Reality‌ ‌can‌ ‌be‌ ‌harsh,‌ ‌like‌ ‌getting‌ ‌t-boned‌ ‌at‌ ‌an‌ ‌intersection.‌ ‌It‌ ‌can‌ ‌send‌ ‌you‌ ‌flying‌ ‌into‌ ‌a‌ ‌realm‌ ‌other‌ ‌than‌ ‌what‌ ‌you‌ ‌thought‌ ‌existed.‌ ‌Watching‌ ‌people‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌internet‌ ‌tear‌ ‌eachother‌ ‌apart,‌ ‌figuratively‌ ‌speaking,‌ ‌brought‌ ‌to‌ ‌rear‌ ‌the‌ ‌ugly‌ ‌truth.‌ ‌People‌ ‌think‌ ‌and‌ ‌expect‌ ‌other‌ ‌people,‌ ‌society‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌world‌ ‌to‌ ‌bow‌ ‌to‌ ‌their‌ ‌needs‌ ‌and‌ ‌wants.‌ ‌Even‌ ‌if‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌something‌ ‌very‌ ‌extreme.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌truly‌ ‌embarrassing‌ ‌to‌ ‌see‌ ‌others‌ ‌fall‌ ‌into‌ ‌line‌ ‌with‌ ‌society’s‌ ‌status‌ ‌quo.‌ ‌Entertaining,‌ ‌yes,‌ ‌but‌ ‌overall‌ ‌embarrassing.‌ ‌Who‌ ‌could‌ ‌really‌ ‌invest‌ ‌energy‌ ‌to‌ ‌insult‌ ‌someone?‌ ‌Who‌ ‌would‌ ‌really‌ ‌go‌ ‌out‌ ‌of‌ ‌their‌ ‌own‌ ‌way‌ ‌to‌ ‌ruin‌ ‌someone‌ ‌else’s‌ ‌morning‌ ‌coffee?‌ ‌Who‌ ‌would‌ ‌willingly‌ ‌interrupt‌ ‌someone’s‌ ‌dinner?‌ ‌ ‌

Do‌ ‌not‌ ‌be‌ ‌surprised‌ ‌that‌ ‌many‌ ‌are‌ ‌more‌ ‌than‌ ‌willing.‌ ‌An‌ ‌embarrassing‌ ‌quantity‌ ‌of‌ ‌people‌ ‌are‌ ‌willing.‌ ‌And‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌ask‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌why‌ ‌I‌ ‌see‌ ‌it‌ ‌as‌ ‌embarrassing‌ ‌then‌ ‌ask‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌this‌ ‌question,‌ ‌“Why‌ ‌is‌ ‌it‌ ‌when‌ ‌someone‌ ‌else‌ ‌is‌ ‌angry‌ ‌you‌ ‌change‌ ‌your‌ ‌emotions‌ and behavior ‌around‌ ‌them?”.‌ ‌I‌ ‌mean,‌ ‌I‌ ‌am‌ ‌not‌ ‌the‌ ‌one‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌angry‌ ‌so‌ ‌I‌ ‌do‌ ‌not‌ ‌care.‌ ‌I‌ ‌genuinely‌ ‌do‌ ‌not.‌ ‌ ‌ ‌You‌ ‌may‌ ‌also‌ ‌ask,‌ ‌where‌ ‌is‌ ‌all‌ ‌of‌ ‌this‌ ‌coming‌ ‌from‌ ‌so‌ ‌suddenly?‌ ‌From‌ ‌a‌ ‌few‌ ‌reflections‌ ‌and‌ ‌a‌ ‌reality‌ ‌check.‌ 

 ‌I‌ ‌have‌ ‌spent‌ ‌many‌ ‌years‌ ‌sitting‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌rain,‌ ‌not‌ ‌for‌ ‌want‌ ‌but‌ ‌from‌ ‌job‌ ‌occupation.‌ ‌Stoicism‌ ‌has‌ ‌seen‌ ‌me‌ ‌through‌ ‌it‌ ‌time‌ ‌and‌ ‌time‌ ‌again.‌ ‌I‌ ‌cannot‌ ‌change‌ ‌the‌ ‌weather‌ ‌but‌ ‌I‌ ‌can‌ ‌determine‌ ‌how‌ ‌I‌ ‌act‌ ‌and‌ ‌feel‌ ‌about‌ ‌it.‌ ‌I‌ ‌clearly‌ ‌remember‌ ‌myself‌ ‌smiling‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌cold‌ ‌rain‌ ‌and‌ ‌laughing‌ ‌at‌ ‌how‌ ‌others‌ ‌scowled‌ ‌at‌ ‌the‌ ‌sky.‌ ‌As‌ ‌if‌ ‌glaring‌ ‌at‌ ‌nature‌ ‌would‌ ‌make‌ ‌her‌ ‌change‌ ‌her‌ ‌forecast‌ ‌or‌ ‌course.‌ ‌In‌ ‌this‌ ‌same‌ ‌way‌ ‌I‌ ‌find‌ ‌myself‌ ‌facing‌ ‌away‌ ‌from‌ ‌the‌ ‌oddity‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌society.‌ ‌A‌ ‌politician,‌ ‌an‌ ‌election,‌ ‌a‌ ‌news‌ ‌anchor,‌ ‌a‌ ‌celebrity,‌ ‌a‌ ‌social‌ ‌media‌ ‌post‌ ‌or‌ ‌even‌ ‌my‌ ‌neighbor.‌ ‌What‌ ‌do‌ ‌they‌ ‌have‌ ‌in‌ ‌common?‌ ‌That‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌not‌ ‌me‌ ‌and‌ ‌can‌ ‌therefore‌ ‌do‌ ‌nothing‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌my‌ ‌life‌ ‌good.‌ ‌The‌ ‌world‌ ‌can‌ ‌sell‌ ‌you‌ ‌the‌ ‌lies‌ ‌and‌ ‌you‌ ‌can‌ ‌convince‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌otherwise‌ ‌but‌ ‌they‌ ‌can‌ ‌do‌ ‌nothing.‌ ‌In‌ ‌fact,‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌reflect‌ ‌on‌ ‌what‌ ‌they‌ ‌have‌ ‌done‌ ‌for‌ ‌you‌ ‌as‌ ‌of‌ ‌recent‌ ‌events‌ ‌they‌ ‌have‌ ‌made‌ ‌it‌ ‌all‌ ‌worse‌ ‌for‌ ‌you.‌ ‌It‌ ‌does‌ ‌not‌ ‌matter‌ ‌what‌ ‌side‌ ‌of‌ ‌the‌ ‌aisle‌ ‌you‌ ‌stood‌ ‌or‌ ‌currently‌ ‌stand‌ ‌on.‌ ‌These‌ ‌people‌ ‌are‌ ‌no‌ ‌good‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌that‌ ‌they‌ ‌are‌ ‌the‌ ‌one‌ ‌that‌ ‌will‌ ‌bring‌ ‌you‌ ‌good‌ ‌news‌ ‌and‌ ‌fresh‌ ‌fruit‌ ‌is‌ ‌stupidity.‌ ‌As‌ ‌you‌ ‌read‌ ‌this‌ ‌you‌ ‌may‌ ‌argue‌ ‌to‌ ‌yourself,‌ ‌“Well,‌ ‌I‌ ‌don’t‌ ‌fall‌ ‌in‌ ‌this‌ ‌category”.‌ ‌You‌ ‌are‌ ‌lying‌ ‌and‌ ‌denying‌ ‌a‌ ‌reality‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌full‌ ‌of‌ ‌evidence.‌ ‌You‌ ‌will‌ ‌simply‌ ‌spend‌ ‌your‌ ‌whole‌ ‌life‌ ‌pretending‌ ‌and‌ ‌bending‌ ‌in‌ ‌order‌ ‌to‌ ‌fall‌ ‌in‌ ‌line‌ ‌with‌ ‌your‌ ‌world’s‌ ‌status‌ ‌quo.‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

“Do‌ ‌nothing‌ ‌which‌ ‌is‌ ‌of‌ ‌no‌ ‌use”‌ ‌-Miyamoto‌ ‌Musashi‌ ‌ ‌

Pretend‌ ‌that‌ ‌the‌ ‌things‌ ‌you‌ ‌have‌ ‌been‌ ‌doing‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌people‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌ ‌so‌ ‌willingly‌ ‌listen‌ ‌to‌ ‌and‌ ‌the‌ ‌actions‌ ‌they‌ ‌encourage‌ ‌are‌ ‌useful‌ ‌for‌ ‌you.‌ ‌Pretend.‌ ‌Because‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌what‌ ‌this‌ ‌generation‌ ‌of‌ ‌our’s‌ ‌seems‌ ‌to‌ ‌be‌ ‌talented‌ ‌at.‌ ‌Pretending‌ ‌and‌ ‌complaining‌ ‌that‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌else‌ ‌is‌ ‌responsible‌ ‌for‌ ‌their‌ ‌joy‌ ‌and‌ ‌fulfillment.‌ ‌Only‌ ‌you,‌ ‌everything‌ ‌comes‌ ‌from‌ ‌you‌ ‌and‌ ‌to‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌is‌ ‌to‌ ‌lie.‌ ‌‌Comment‌ ‌what‌ ‌you‌ ‌like‌ ‌and‌ ‌complain‌ ‌as‌ ‌much‌ ‌as‌ ‌you‌ ‌want‌ ‌but‌ ‌your‌ ‌own‌ ‌empty‌ ‌is‌ ‌your‌ ‌creation.‌ ‌Every‌ ‌bit‌ ‌of‌ ‌joy,‌ ‌betterment,‌ ‌strength‌ ‌and‌ ‌improvement‌ ‌come‌ ‌from‌ ‌inside‌ ‌of‌ ‌you.‌ ‌Same‌ ‌as‌ ‌every‌ ‌amount‌ ‌of‌ ‌bitterness,‌ ‌anger,‌ ‌hate,‌ ‌lack‌ ‌of‌ ‌discipline‌ ‌and‌ ‌sadness.‌ ‌It‌ ‌is‌ ‌you.‌ ‌You‌ ‌can‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌it‌ ‌isn’t‌ ‌but‌ ‌we‌ ‌both‌ ‌know‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌simply‌ ‌tuned‌ ‌out‌ ‌and‌ ‌looked‌ ‌at‌ ‌you‌ ‌and‌ ‌focused‌ ‌on‌ ‌making‌ ‌your‌ ‌own‌ ‌day‌ ‌a‌ ‌little‌ ‌better‌ ‌and‌ ‌therefore‌ ‌the‌ ‌week‌ ‌and‌ ‌so‌ ‌on‌ ‌and‌ ‌so‌ ‌forth‌ ‌you‌ ‌would‌ ‌find‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌making‌ ‌your‌ ‌own‌ ‌joy‌ ‌and‌ ‌giving‌ ‌a‌ ‌little‌ ‌away‌ ‌at‌ ‌a‌ ‌time.‌ ‌ ‌

 ‌That‌ ‌is‌ ‌not‌ ‌the‌ ‌case‌ ‌now.‌ ‌You‌ ‌have‌ ‌no‌ ‌balance,‌ ‌no‌ ‌understanding‌ ‌and‌ ‌no‌ ‌inclination‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌your‌ ‌own‌ ‌lifes‌ ‌joyful‌ ‌or‌ ‌good.‌ ‌Instead‌ ‌you‌ ‌focus‌ ‌on‌ ‌things‌ ‌that‌ ‌really‌ ‌do‌ ‌nothing‌ ‌for‌ ‌you.‌ ‌Celebrities‌ ‌delivering‌ ‌messages‌ ‌and‌ ‌political‌ ‌investigations.‌ ‌Who‌ ‌really‌ ‌cares?‌ ‌I‌ ‌know‌ ‌I‌ ‌don’t‌ ‌anymore.‌ ‌Why‌ ‌should‌ ‌I?‌ ‌To‌ ‌waste‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌time?‌ ‌To‌ ‌waste‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌energy?‌ ‌To‌ ‌waste‌ ‌my‌ ‌own‌ ‌emotions?‌ ‌On‌ ‌what‌ ‌exactly?‌ ‌People‌ ‌who‌ ‌will‌ ‌never‌ ‌hear‌ ‌your‌ ‌words‌ ‌or‌ ‌your‌ ‌cries.‌ ‌We‌ ‌fall‌ ‌right‌ ‌in‌ ‌line‌ ‌and‌ ‌follow‌ ‌destiny‌ ‌and‌ ‌expectations.‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

Truly‌ ‌look‌ ‌it‌ ‌over.‌ ‌Who‌ ‌is‌ ‌really,‌ ‌truly‌ ‌worth‌ ‌the‌ ‌air‌ ‌you‌ ‌breathe?‌ ‌Air‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌ ‌will‌ ‌one‌ ‌day‌ ‌never‌ ‌taste‌ ‌again.‌ ‌Who‌ ‌is‌ ‌really‌ ‌worth‌ ‌your‌ ‌time?‌ ‌Time‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌ ‌cannot‌ ‌count‌ ‌on‌ ‌because‌ ‌it‌ ‌is‌ ‌rapidly‌ ‌ticking‌ ‌away‌ ‌as‌ ‌you‌ ‌waste‌ ‌it‌ ‌on‌ ‌nothing.‌ ‌Do‌ ‌you‌ ‌really‌ ‌want‌ ‌to‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌that‌ ‌your‌ ‌life‌ ‌depends‌ ‌desperately‌ ‌on‌ ‌the‌ ‌actions‌ ‌of‌ ‌people‌ ‌who‌ ‌do‌ ‌not‌ ‌even‌ ‌know‌ ‌that‌ ‌you‌ ‌exist?‌ ‌That‌ ‌your‌ ‌joy‌ ‌is‌ ‌truly‌ ‌the‌ ‌result‌ ‌of‌ ‌someone‌ ‌else’s‌ ‌inaction‌ ‌and‌ ‌not‌ ‌your‌ ‌own?‌ 

Do‌ ‌you‌ ‌want‌ ‌to‌ ‌enjoy‌ ‌what‌ ‌you‌ ‌do‌ ‌and‌ ‌feel‌ ‌like‌ ‌you‌ ‌never‌ ‌worked‌ ‌a‌ ‌day‌ ‌in‌ ‌your‌ ‌life?‌ ‌ ‌Or‌ ‌simply‌ ‌put,‌ ‌wouldn’t‌ ‌you‌ ‌prefer‌ ‌to‌ ‌plainly‌ ‌enjoy‌ ‌living?‌ ‌Wouldn’t‌ ‌that‌ ‌be‌ ‌a‌ ‌breath‌ ‌of‌ ‌fresh‌ ‌air?‌ ‌I’m‌ ‌sure‌ ‌someone‌ ‌out‌ ‌there‌ ‌will‌ ‌take‌ ‌the‌ ‌time‌ ‌to‌ ‌complain‌ ‌and‌ ‌someone‌ ‌else‌ ‌will‌ ‌correct‌ ‌my‌ ‌misspellings‌ ‌and‌ ‌grammar.‌ ‌I‌ ‌suppose‌ ‌that‌ ‌is‌ ‌their‌ ‌mission‌ ‌in‌ ‌life‌ ‌but‌ ‌this‌ ‌is‌ ‌what‌ ‌I’ve‌ ‌written‌ ‌out‌ ‌and‌ ‌what‌ ‌I‌ ‌feel‌ ‌good‌ ‌with.‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

Just‌ ‌remember,‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌really‌ ‌want‌ ‌to‌ ‌make‌ ‌the‌ ‌world‌ ‌a‌ ‌better‌ ‌place‌ ‌then‌ ‌go‌ ‌ahead‌ ‌and‌ ‌do‌ ‌that‌ ‌but‌ ‌don’t‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌you‌ ‌need‌ ‌to‌ ‌shatter‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌else’s‌ ‌lives‌ ‌for‌ ‌it.‌ ‌Don’t‌ ‌pretend‌ ‌that‌ ‌everyone‌ ‌else‌ ‌must‌ ‌be‌ ‌held‌ ‌accountable‌ ‌for‌ ‌your‌ ‌lack‌ ‌of‌ ‌joy‌ ‌or‌ ‌fulfillment.‌ ‌Quit‌ ‌looking‌ ‌at‌ ‌things,‌ ‌people‌ ‌and‌ ‌ideas‌ ‌that‌ ‌have‌ ‌nothing‌ ‌to‌ ‌do‌ ‌with‌ ‌how‌ ‌your‌ ‌life‌ ‌goes.‌ ‌I‌ ‌mean,‌ ‌if‌ ‌the‌ ‌guy‌ ‌in‌ ‌the‌ ‌next‌ ‌town‌ ‌quit‌ ‌smoking‌ ‌would‌ ‌it‌ ‌really‌ ‌impact‌ ‌your‌ ‌daily‌ ‌life‌ ‌if‌ ‌you‌ ‌kept‌ ‌right‌ ‌on‌ ‌smoking?‌ ‌Would‌ ‌that‌ ‌really‌ ‌make‌ ‌your‌ ‌life‌ ‌brighter?‌ ‌Or‌ ‌would‌ ‌it‌ ‌improve‌ ‌his‌ ‌health?‌ ‌Ask‌ ‌yourself‌ ‌this‌ ‌when‌ ‌you‌ ‌try‌ ‌to‌ ‌follow‌ ‌someone‌ ‌whose‌ ‌actions‌ ‌have‌ ‌never‌ ‌really‌ ‌done‌ ‌anything‌ ‌for‌ ‌you.‌ ‌Do‌ ‌good‌ ‌by‌ ‌you‌ ‌first.‌ ‌That’s‌ ‌important,‌ ‌and‌ ‌tell‌ ‌society‌ ‌to‌ ‌go‌ ‌fuck‌ ‌themselves‌ ‌when‌ ‌they‌ ‌call‌ ‌you‌ ‌selfish‌ ‌for‌ ‌it.‌ ‌That’s‌ ‌probably‌ ‌the‌ ‌only‌ ‌reason‌ ‌you‌ ‌aren’t‌ ‌doing‌ ‌good‌ ‌by‌ ‌you‌ ‌right‌ ‌now.‌ ‌ ‌

Conversations With Yourself

Do you ever find yourself searching the mirror for someone else? Someone you thought was supposed to be there? You search your eyes and wonder where and when you quit on you of all people? You quit on you? After knowing that no one else will carry forward you walked away from yourself. Sweet hope and sweet despair. You knew no one else would chase your dream and no one else would uplift you and yet you walked away. The problem is you always end up running into yourself again, you always run into your demons again. You are always going to wake up at some point with the regret of not doing. It is a bittersweet revival you may find. A little later than you want it to arrive. Mediocre, that’s how you feel afterwards. It’s almost like walking barefoot in the snow, at first it’s uncomfortably cold but soon it is painful and eventually numb. Don’t be numb to your shortcomings because the rest of the world will not let you forget them.  Just be ready to look yourself eye to eye. You cannot say or pretend that improving or meeting expectations is someone else’s job. You are the only one capable of moving yourself forward or elevating yourself. All improvement, discipline and betterment comes from the internal. Nobody has your heart beating away your seconds in life, no one else carries your spirit which gives your shell existence and beauty. No one else thinks your thoughts or feels your emotions. All dreams and betterment for one self come from the internal. If you point the finger and pretend it is on others then you will find yourself in the mirror staring and searching for the person you wished to be looking back. Don’t walk through life with a shadow cast upon you, instead wander into your own sunlight. There is no reason you should have to carry a rain cloud wherever you wander. You will have enough rainy days to be melancholy about. If you do not like the sunshine then at least thrive in the shadows and smile in the rain. Just do not find yourself filled to the brim with regret. Whether those around you believe or not is irrelevant. You just need to remember you. Remember you.  

that is🌑💔

Every breath you take won’t fill you.
Some times it’ll be short.
Sometimes it’ll feel like you inhaled smoke.
Other times like you inhaled water.

It’ll just choke you.
Slowly and painfully killing you.
Killing you from within.
Tearing apart the tissue that keeps you alive.

That’s how falling in love can be.
That’s what regret feels like.
That’s what mistakes do.
That’s what lost loved ones do.

The oxygen feels short.
The air aches in your lungs like your ribs are cracked.
Your chest feels like someone bashed it with a hammer.
Your eyes cry tears that feel like acid in the ducts, slowly burning the skin they roll down.

That’s heart break.
No matter what caused it.
Love, loss, regret, mistakes.
You will feel like your imploding.
And then you will pretend you aren’t.

Maybe

Do you ever find yourselves watching a movie play out and realize a lot of things?
Like the reality that you may not be the only one who remembers being twelve and staring at the gray November sky, wondering, ‘what the fuck are you going to do?’
Just soaked in the cold breeze and random drizzles that pass by in the fake falls and winter’s of your small town.
That maybe you weren’t the only kid who stole a pack of smokes and sneaked into a junkyard and sniffed the pack before you lit one and choked on the smoke?
That you weren’t the only one sneaking out at night to take a smoke at 14, lying in the trail in woods a couple miles from your house, just staring. Staring at the sky and hoping something amazing could happen just to you. Only to you.
Smelling the fumes from a red short and the grass beneath your body.
You realize maybe you aren’t the only person who gave rides to old drug addicted friends while delivering food or you weren’t the only one hanging out in hotels with drug dealers you grew up watching.
Maybe you aren’t the only that fucked up and hurt their friends.
You hope you aren’t the only one that burned bridges and didn’t realize to late that if takes twice as long to rebuild those. And sometimes you simply can’t rebuild them.
Sometimes twenty-five years of life can’t be replayed in real life. Only in your head, in pictures and cameras.
Only in memories. 
Sometimes you realize you walked away to quickly and with too much excitement to realize it all the same.
You aren’t the only kid who remembers seeing the young girl in the corner of the gas station, she always smiled and said hi, and remembers seeing her at the breadline. You never realized she wasn’t just hanging out but trying to live, even if just a little longer.
You aren’t the only background friend in the world, you aren’t the only one battling “what ifs” everyday, or broken dreams.
Nah, you aren’t the only kid who stood in a circle of friends passing around cigarettes, or praying or drinking.
No, it isn’t significant and yet, it really is.
It’s you, just you, no matter what they say, you are the only you.
Only you remember those moments, those drinks, the smoke, the lips and the lightly held hands.
Only you remember you.
Only you remember the smell of of the fresh cut grass outside your house, or the smell of a horse as you run your hands through it’s mane, or the destroyed, disgusting hotels you had to work in.
Only you remember that.
Being 12 and staring at the gray November sky, wondering ‘what the fuck are you going to do?’
Just soaked in the cold breeze and random drizzles that pass by in the fake falls and winter’s of your small town.

bubbles°°°°

I hold my breath
What little I have left
Hoping you’ll give me oxygen

But I’m at the bottom of the lake
Your still on the boat
Watching the anchor sink me

It’s like you were ready
Knew you were my gravity
Flooding me with disbelief

This water engulfs my body
The liquid in my lungs
Bubbles escape my mouth

Can’t hold my breath
Whatever was left is gone
Just give me some oxygen

Touching down
I watch you fade to black
Still at the bottom of the lake

I guess friends can leave you behind
Memories can make you sink
Emotions can drown you to

If only today was a nightmare
Tomorrow was today
And today just a thought in the back of my head

I hold my breath
What little I have left
Hoping you’ll give me oxygen

I guess this is goodbye
I’ll let it out
Exhale the bubbles left in me

You don’t see it yet.

You don’t see it yet.
But I feel it now.
Suffocating

You may not be choking me
But your words don’t let me breathe
Your glare won’t let me look

Your rage won’t let me be
Your touch won’t let me go
You invoke envy for joy

I ask for words of peace
You speak words of blood
Suffocation just won’t cease

You don’t care for me
Why would I for you
Fuck it, I’ll sink ball and chain at my feet

Wrath

So much rage and blood.
No way to turn back the clock.
No way to tune it down now.

Wrath bleeding through my eyes.
My hands are it’s weapons for this day.
My words, it’s poison.

Feeding me with every waking moment.
Changing my soul into something dark.
So deep with empty that love would fall forever.

Nothing to fill my pit of hate.
Only to flood the world with fear.
Only to beat back the oceans and it’s waves.

Sinking teeth into flesh.
Freeing a darkness barely felt.
Freeing a rage rarely seen.

Wrath bleeding through my eyes.
Blood coursing through me black as night.
Light of love faded out.

Crushing joy and dropping highs.
Cracked bones and bruised skin.
Bloodshot eyes and ringing ears.

Wrath, that’s all I bring to you.
Anger and rage.
So deep with hate that hell closes it’s gates.

Wrath is what I bring.

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